polyamory part 5: when one relationship tests another
This is one of the entries in my serious of posts about polyamory. You can read the previous part here, or start from the beginning.
Polyamory. Part 5.
My agreement with J was plain simple — if either of us ever sleeps with someone else, we have to tell the other. Mostly so we start using condoms. I have vasectomy and she is on birth control. Considering we both got tested and don't see other people in the meantime, that's enough protection already.
Telling about our other, non-sexual dates is optional. My personal preference is that I like to hear about it, because I get excited for J. I always do, whether she gets a new haircut, saves 30 cents buying an ice-cream at McDonald's, or goes on a date. "Where did you go? What did you eat? What does that person look like? Can I see?" Everything. Not in a controlling way eve-ry-thing, but in a "Hey, that sounds cool, tell me more" everything. But J doesn’t always want to hear about my dates, and so I try to keep it reserved. And because I am equally excited about my own dates, it's hard to keep new experiences like this to myself. In the end, whatever works.
Fast-forward many months, we exchanged our first L words — it's not lasagna! — and even went as far as admitting being a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Ah, I am like a teenager writing this! Both of us went on a few dates with other people. Fruitless, but dates nonetheless. And because neither she nor I slept with another person, we felt secure in our own relationship.
In May, we had a turning point. I had met another person, we'll call her K. It happened naturally, through my climbing community. We started spending more time together, and this noticeably affected J. I felt for her. The loneliness, the frustration. No matter what the agreement was — open or not open, inclusive or exclusive — growing attached to each other over many months showed its results. Like a tree shows its roots, ground washed away by an endless rain.
Foreseeing how my new relationship with K could affect my existing one, I started spending more quality time with J. Instead of the previous 2–3 times a week, she would come to my place almost every day. Then we would go on a date again over the weekend. I loved it. If anything, I felt reassured. That my feelings towards J didn't change. That I still wanted to be with her. It felt right. She gave me something that I didn't have to look for in another relationships. I didn't need it from anybody else. Her comfort, her support. Her empathy. She gave me peace. Of mind, of body. Peace of the world itself.
K and I lasted a month. Once it was over, everything ambled back to normal — J's anxiety and my free time. One of the debates about polyamory is whether we can or cannot love two (or more!) people at the same time. But it should instead be a question of whether we have enough time in one week for all those people. I loved my time with J, and I deeply enjoyed my time with K. But exhaustion washed me down.
While my free time was easy to gain back, J's levels of anxiety needed recalibration. To help both of us navigate the world of consensual non-monogamy, newly discovered, I suggested to start couples therapy. In particular, to find a sexologist. Little by little, the sessions started to bring results. Around the same time, we read "Polysecure" by Jessica Fern. It was a fundamental discovery. Everything started to make sense — the shame, the guilt, the anxiety. It was as if someone was telling me, "You feel jealous, and this is why. You don't have to feel jealous, and this is how". A few other books crawled into our reading list as well. "Sex at Dawn" by Christopher Ryan and "The Ethical Slut" by Janet W. Hardy. The educational process began.
I don't blame those laughing when I say "I am seeing two girls". I don't get sad when I hear "I am not interested" when I reveal that I have a girlfriend. Only about 10% of the population is polyamorous. It's new. It's uncommon. And as with everything in the world, uncommon is scary. But I do appreciate when people get curious. When I hear questions like "I don't know if this would be for me, how did you get there?". Relationships is a concept we should feel comfortable challenging.
This is part 5, and the latest one in the polyamory series at the moment. Found it interesting? Subscribe to my blog, so you don't miss my future posts on this topic.