polyamory part 4: jealousy, and the letting go
This is one of the entries in my serious of posts about polyamory. You can read the previous part here, or start from the beginning.
Polyamory. Part 4.
“I really want to stay open”
Said J, and with that question she put me in a position absolutely new to me. Before that, my relationships usually went two ways: “Sergei, I want to be only with you” and “Sergei, I don’t want to be with you”. The latter is yet to happen. Not because nobody ever wanted to break up with me. I do have an inflated ego, but not to that extent... But because I’m yet to meet a woman emotionally mature enough to say these seven words directly, like cutting a branch with an axe, instead of using a knife that only peels off the bark and bleeds the trunk.
What J said gave me a new prospective. There was another way. She liked me enough to want to keep our relationship going. But not enough to ehm… make it into a bigger deal? I needed to recalibrate my dating compass, so I went to my Canadian gen-Z friends for advice. They were right, and I was wrong. Nobody of J’s age — she’s a gen-Z too — commits to a relationship after two dates. And a lot of them don’t commit at all.
An abundance of options, narrated through a vast variety of modern dating apps. That's what makes commitment unnecessary if not obsolete. Next date is only one swipe away. Always cooler, better, sexier. Exclusivity stopped being a priority when the cost of a missed opportunity is so high. This new reality struck me hard, and I took time to decide if I wanted to be a part of it.
I had two choices. One is to say no to J. To not waste my time. To look for someone who wants a long-term relationship. Someone who wants a relationship with me alone. Another choice is to play along. Get on this modem dating thing, where everyone belongs to no one. To say yes to J, and accept her offer. To give into uncertainty the future held for me. A possibility of her liking someone else. A possibility of her leaving.
First — a blue pill, second — red. Like Neo in The Matrix, I chose the red pill. Always a red pill.
It took me two days to make that decision. Two long, exhausting days, alone with my thoughts. Enough time to put all my insecurities under a spotlight. With every old belief questioned, I deconstructed the relationship foundation, brick by brick. Until there was no foundation left. I had to build a new one.
“J can leave me any time”. And… Does it mean I can’t enjoy what she and I have now, while it lasts? Paraphrasing a Chinese proverb, “if the problem doesn't have a solution, why worry? And if it does, why worry?” In other words, why should I stress about J leaving me, while she is still there, with me?
“J can develop feeling for someone else”. She can. But this doesn’t cancel her feelings towards me, unless she says otherwise.
“I will be jealous of her seeing other people”. Yes. Triple yes. Exactly why I want to do it. To work on my insecurities. I have no control over what she can and cannot do. She is a grown adult and can make her own decision. But it's up to me to decide how I want to feel about it. I can get upset. I can get angry. Or I can be calm and try to understand her behavior. She can't hurt me. But I can make myself feel hurt, if I choose to.
In the end, I want J to come back to me not because she pities me for my jealousy, but because I’m good. Because I’m better. I’m worth coming back to. Everyone wants a perfect wife, but few want to be a perfect husband. I want to be that perfect husband.
With that, I let her go. I let go of the expectation that our relationship will become anything more than what it already was. If it ever does, I will be happy. And if it doesn’t, I will be grateful for the time we shared. Win-win in both situations.
And just like that, we kept on…
This is part 4 in the polyamory series. Found it interesting? Read the next part here.