breaking free from "the one": my path to understanding polyamory
I promised to write about polyamory one day. We shall then begin.
Part 1
My history of relationships only had examples of monogamy (ethical and not so ethical). Friends always had a single partner at a time. Parents were together for 37 years. Colleagues had kids and long family vacations. Everything around me chanted, “Be truthful to your partner. Don’t cheat”. “Till death do you part”, they said. But nobody explained to me what it meant exactly.
I’ve always been a romantic. At the age of eight, I met my first love. The one that made me suffer in unresponsive coldness for the next five years. Recovered, I had a first physical attraction at the age of thirteen. At fifteen — a true long distance relationship. Seventeen — first true love and first sex (damn those who made me feel like I was a late bloomer!).
In these very first and future ventures, I surrendered myself fully to the mercy of my partner. What is the meaning of life if not devouring her, the one and the only? What is life itself if there was another man who she admired deeply, like she admired me? Young, naive muffin. And yet, how liberating it was to be love-blinded!
My longest relationship of 7 years was also monogamous. To show you how much monogamous it was, I will add that we were also married. In that relationship, my ex-wife and I would sometimes discuss a hypothetical scenario of one of us cheating on the other. All discussion concluded that it would inevitably lead to an end of the marriage. Oh, little I knew that other reasons for separation also existed! Neither of us cheated in the end. We simply grew apart.
My environment encouraged monogamy, and yet I refused to see even the deepest of the cracks of its foundation. My friends flirted with other friends. If not sleeping together, they could go on “friendly” dates, cuddle, kiss. As a consequence, discussions of any such movements were taboo, or in the best case spiraled down to overinflated gossips that lead to a breakup anyway.
But I don’t have to go far to find good examples. My parents were together for nearly four decades, and out of all four, three and a half they were miserable and cheated on each other repeatedly. Unethical non-monogamy. Profound, inexcusable, accusing love. In its purest.
My first marriage didn’t repeat the mistakes of my parents. But the thought of it — what if I slip? If I develop feelings for someone else, will it bring an end to my relationship? — just the feeling of it made my blood boil in frustration. I was scared to become my dad. If anything, I was a ticking time bomb.
Until last year.
This is part 1 out of many. Found it interesting? Read the next part here.